"As much as it kills me to say this, I miss you. And I wish you would come back. Even though you hurt me. Even though you probably would again. I just miss being with you, and talking to you. I knew you’d be with different girls, and I found out that you made out with one of them. You probably did a lot more than that. And it hurts. I’m not gonna lie and say I’m okay with it. Because I’m not. I was a conquest for you, while you were it for me. Because of you I don’t want anyone else. I can’t lose myself in anyone else because all I want is you. And if I even try to, your face pops back into my brain and I feel like I’m doing to others exactly what you did to me. And I know how much that hurts.
You’re the first boy I’ve ever loved. I know you won’t be the last. Before you came back, there was someone. And he might have been exactly like you. Except he was honest about his intentions. You might remember him. I recall a few times that you told me you did not like him. You in fact hated him. Yet he was, surprisingly enough, more decent than you. He was sweet. He was caring. And you were too. Except he never lied to me. Ever. I knew what he wanted. He told me right from the start. I didn’t have to hear it from a friend, or a friends friend. It was me and him. Just us. And although he wanted the same as you, he was decent enough to let me go before he hurt me. You weren’t. And I hate you for it. I hate the fact that you turned int a worse person than he. You said you’d never ever be like him. And I agree. You’re not. You’re worse. And maybe that fact alone will help me get over you.
But the fact is, you keep watching me and checking up on me and having your friends check up on me. You act like you’re keeping tabs on your property. Here’s the thing; you had me. I was yours. I would have been yours for as long as you wanted. As long as you needed. And you let me go. So you could fuck other people. And I made peace with that. I let you go. You had me. And you lost me. We could have been just friends if you didn’t pull that dick move and kiss me that night. We used to be amazing friends. You were someone I could tell anything to. You used to be able to tell me anything. We had this love for each other that was so innocent, and so pure. We were just two kids, who found pieces of ourselves in each other. We would have been something beautiful. I wish we were still those kids. So badly. I wish my perception of the world hadn’t been shattered by your betrayal. I wish you didn’t destroy the last remaining shred of hope I had for our future. I used to see something perfect for us. Now, I look two years ahead and all I see is a void of nothing. You’re not that boy anymore. And I’m not that girl. She’s gone, and is never coming back. I don’t blame you for that because honestly it was time for her to get a grip. I grew up. I accepted the world and I shut people out. I became colder. And harsher. You’re the only person I warmed up to, and you smothered the fire and poured ice on the burns.
So now, thanks to you, I’m trying to duct tape my broken heart back together and sew my soul back into my skin. I’m locking away my heart until the right person comes along. I hope one day that it’s you. But I also hope that after all the pain you caused me, I realise that it’s not. Oh, how I wish I was brave enough to tell you to your face. But you’d think I was crazy. Because we were never together. No matter how much I wanted you. You lied to me. Told me the things you thought I wanted to hear. And then you left.
I just wanna look into your eyes one more time before I let you go. One more smile, one more kiss. One final night. And then I’m gone forever. And if I leave you have to promise to stay away. No more following me. Stalking my Facebook, Instagram or snapchat, no more longing glances or getting your friends to check up on me. Set me free. And maybe one day when the boy I love resurfaces, he’ll be ready to love me."
- You only loved me when I was screaming (via heathyrlily)